Diary of a Depressed Christian

The myth of battling depression is “you have lost your faith.” Yes, there is a tremendous loss of feelings, memory, laughter and joy (amongst other things), but my faith yet remains. Take a journey with me to see how I battle depression and how I choose to be victorious.

Sometimes it is better to connect with people who share a similar pain than someone who doesn’t understand you at all. ~Alicia Neal

Just Don’t Do It!

Yesterday’s high anxiety was off the roof. I couldn’t concentrate nor could I complete my school work. It was like a euphoric explosion going off in my mind. I thought about the million things I had to do then panic set in. I have to get this paper done, I need to show up for my business, I’m tired because I haven’t really slept in a few days, what if theses racing thoughts won’t let me complete the paper! After fixing dinner I sat down on the couch, covered my face and said “Alicia, you don’t have to do it if you can’t. Tomorrow is another day and things will be better.”

Ladies, you have control at all times. Yes, I know, anxiety takes our minds to a level that is so hard to bounce back from. When that happens, take back your control. Find a space where you can calm yourself and begin to redirect your thought process. Sounds so easy but yet so hard to do. I thought of a million scriptures to quote and none of them put me at ease. It wasn’t that God’s presence had left me or the scriptures don’t work, it was God teaching me to fight and to use the power that He has given me. After the melt down was over, I emailed my professor and told him that my paper would be late. 10 points off won’t hurt this perfectionist but allowing anxiety to control my life will.

I’m Living Again

Yesterday was the first time in years that I actually wanted to celebrate my birthday. Not that I never wanted to, it was that I always put time and effort into other people, then when it was my turn, the room was empty with only two or three faithful standing there to cheer me on. This year, I’ve learned to celebrate even if I had to do it by myself. I didn’t feel lonely nor did I feel empty inside. There was sort of a freedom knowing that when I want a victory party, I only invite those who deserve to come.

The lesson in the celabratory moment is this, there is a table between you and the one’s you love. On that table is what you bring and the other portion of the table is what they bring. If the table seems to only be filled with your love, support, and generosity with nothing in return from them, then its time to evaluate the table and think strongly about changing seats.